Wednesday, 24 October 2012

The way I am

I wonder is it possible for any one person to feel this hopeless and this despondent. Right about now, I feel useless and incapacitated. I have been so battered and broken, that sometimes I wonder whether I'm coming or going.

This is definitely not what I signed up for. What good am I if I'm no good to myself? All that hurt and pain is welling up inside me and I'm feeling so crushed. I loved, but got rejected, my heart might very well have been torn out of my very chest. I was certain I'd be ok, but I'm still here! The pain keeps reverberating within me. I have put in my all, applied myself, but still it's not good enough. I feel I've now lost myself, trying to be what they want me to be. Constant bashing and gossiping, fault finding and negative comments.

I need to find myself now. I need to be me. I need that pain to go away. I need to live again, to feel again, to love again, to laugh again. I need it for me. I look to my Savior and Lord to see me through this. He has been faithful. When I think about Him and what He's doing for me, my mind is at ease. He's my only place of healing. I need that for me.

Can someone compel me to forget. I'm tired of fighting  this battle. I loved you, but you destroyed me. I trusted you, but you put a knife in my back. Sometimes it's hard to believe that you would do this to me. You of all people! I am so sad, and I feel I'll always be sad about what you did.

I am also done here. You thought you could control me, but I am removing all the shackles. You thought you could bring me down, but you are wrong. Watch me walk away  from your manipulation. And as I turn back and see the tears in your eyes, and the sadness for seeing me leave, I will smile and be satisfied that I am doing the right thing. I am finally free!

I'm done here!