The way I am

I wonder is it possible for any one person to feel this hopeless and this despondent. Right about now, I feel useless and incapacitated. I have been so battered and broken, that sometimes I wonder whether I'm coming or going.

This is definitely not what I signed up for. What good am I if I'm no good to myself? All that hurt and pain is welling up inside me and I'm feeling so crushed. I loved, but got rejected, my heart might very well have been torn out of my very chest. I was certain I'd be ok, but I'm still here! The pain keeps reverberating within me. I have put in my all, applied myself, but still it's not good enough. I feel I've now lost myself, trying to be what they want me to be. Constant bashing and gossiping, fault finding and negative comments.

I need to find myself now. I need to be me. I need that pain to go away. I need to live again, to feel again, to love again, to laugh again. I need it for me. I look to my Savior and Lord to see me through this. He has been faithful. When I think about Him and what He's doing for me, my mind is at ease. He's my only place of healing. I need that for me.

Can someone compel me to forget. I'm tired of fighting  this battle. I loved you, but you destroyed me. I trusted you, but you put a knife in my back. Sometimes it's hard to believe that you would do this to me. You of all people! I am so sad, and I feel I'll always be sad about what you did.

I am also done here. You thought you could control me, but I am removing all the shackles. You thought you could bring me down, but you are wrong. Watch me walk away  from your manipulation. And as I turn back and see the tears in your eyes, and the sadness for seeing me leave, I will smile and be satisfied that I am doing the right thing. I am finally free!

I'm done here!

Prayer

When we pray, we do not pray to change God's mind, but to change our own. We speak, and begin to believe what we speak, that's why the Word instructs us to pray without ceasing, in and out of season. The more you speak what you want to see, the more you believe it and internalize it. God already knows that it is done, but we need to measure up our faith to the level where we can receive what God has already said is yours! Amazing! So we don't pray to God so He hears our prayers, He already knows what we need before we ask it of Him. We pray to affirm our faith in Him and align ourselves with the Word that He has spoken over our lives!

Prayer is such a powerful tool, because not only are you affirmaing yourself, you are also allowing the Spirit of the Lord to change you and align you with your blessings. Prayer defeats the enemy because it is not just words, it is dunamis power when coupled with God's Word. That is why we need to know the Word of God and pray it. God indeed has created a way for us. In His sovereign wisdom and mercy, He has made sure we could find escape and rest through prayer. Mwari makatendeka, and I worship You oh God! Your loving kindness endures forever. Glory in the heavens and in all the earth for all the wonderful things that You have done in our lives! Hellelujah! The highest praise belongs to you. You cause the seas to part, the rains to fall, the mountains to be levelled, the trees to grow and the flowers to bloom. Great is Your name in all the earth!