Deep calleth unto deep

To have walked this road and still find myself here is nothing short of a miracle. I walked in the valley of the shadow of death, I strayed far from home, but I find myself back here once again. Not battered and bruised like I find myself sometimes. Just a deep longing, a yearning, a calling, deep calleth unto deep.
You will never miss the sun until you've been in the rain; you can never miss a person until you've had to live without them. I have never missed my Daddy until I lived a life apart from Him.

Right now I feel so blessed to have this truth and knowledge. It's the type of truth and knowledge that comes from a deep conviction that cannot be shaken. I have found that my very foundation is rooted in Him and Him alone! Blessed assurance! What a privilege, and such grace to be able to find my way back home to Him once again! This morning all I could think about was Him and how great He is. Is He mad at me? Did I hurt Him? What I can I do to make it better? How can I show Him I love Him more than all else?
Right now my heart's cry is for the lost that I know. The souls that He so dearly loves and wants back. How can I be an instrument? I am so excited and happy about Him that I don't see how anyone cannot want Him, cannot desire Him with everything that is inside them. How can anyone live without so great a Love?! I want everyone to know. I want all and sundry to understand why He is the best thing that can happen to anyone.

It's not in lip service, t's not in what we do. It's about obedience to Him, loving Him in Spirit and in truth. It's not so people can see. It's so they can glorify His name! I'm so serene as I write this, it's amazing. I came from a dull space into this. He truly hears the cry of the broken. A broken and contrite heart He will not turn away. It's amazing how many roads I've had to travel to get to one that truly led me down to You. Now I bow my knee to the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, allowing my re-birth to transform and renew my mind, making me into His very own. On marked and inscribed with His name. My God and my Friend. My very present Help and Delight.

You know, Scripture will never make sense until you begin to see things in a different light. You see, that Scripture that says Delight yourself in the Lord...it is very apt and deep because you can never delight in something that you do not love and cherish. You will always abuse what you do not love. It is with this in mind that falling in love with Him becomes key. Right now, I can truly say it's like I'm getting to know Him for the first time!

It's not about listening to the right songs, saying the right things. It's being right, having a right heart towards Him.

Again, I bow my knee. I surrender all. You have called, now I answer...here I am Lord.

The heart is deceitful above all things

So here I am again. I'm in that place once again where I get to ask, how did I get here! The heart! Oh how the heart loves to love and be loved. In all my years I have seen as a matter of fact that it is a basic human need to love and to be loved by someone other than God and your family and friends. Hence when the opportunity presents itself, we tend to dive in heart first without giving it a minute's thought. Is it then a wonder when we walk out battered and bruised wondering how on earth! The Bible is clear, 'GUARD YOUR HEART WITH ALL DILIGENCE, FOR OUT OF IT FLOW THE ISSUES OF LIFE'. Such apt wisdom! Once the heart is wounded or broken, it is difficult to focus on anything else other than the fact.

One would think that after a heart rending heartache, one would fold up shop and decide to walk away, yet by its own volition, the heart is forever searching, reaching out for the opportunity to love. It is needless to say that more songs have been sung, and movies produced about love itself.
So I'm sitting here and sighing at the fact that my heart is reaching out to a closed heart. This is a person who is waiting for the first opportunity to walk. My poor tired heart needs a break! So I guess I need to make a decision. I choose to be whole, I choose to save my heart from scaring. I choose to guard my heart with diligence.

A wise man once said that the more you allow God to control the issues of your heart the less you are prone to heartache (wait, that's just me thinking it out! lol ). So now I guess God is all I have and I need to surrender all to Him.I cannot, will not do this without Him. He is the author and Creator of Love and the heart itself, so yes He understands the issues of life that are likely to flow out of it.

Here I put my pen down. I need a moment to ponder.....

The Greatest Love I Know

I have looked in my life and seen the many 'black horses' that have come my way. I think I'm finally ready for my white horse, the fairytale knight in shining armor. I realised something, He's always been there rescuing me at every turn, bringing me out of stuff, and loving me even more when I'm not the best of people. What greater love can I ask for?

He has never disappointed me, albeit the fact that I did the same to Him so many times. He always tells me that I'm beautiful and how much He loves me. I get flowers everyday! Show me a man who is romantic, and I'll show you mine! He knows how to romance me and make me fall in love with Him all over again! That's my white horse right there.

The other day I was just feeling so emotionless and I didnt care about much, but He quickly came and whispered a love song into my ear. I walk around with stars in my eyes and little red hearts floating about me. I have truly never experienced greater love than the one I have with Him.
He is my life, the air that I breathe, the love I've never had, and that much more. I love Him with everything in me.

Life can be really funny at times. The person who meant so much to you last year this time, means absolutely nothing to you this year same time around! Then one has to question, was it real or was it all part of some farce?

My head is still reeling. Once upon a time I respected and held dear. A leader, a friend. It's amazing how you can say one one thing and its heard in a totally different way! The heart indeed can be deceptive.No one can fully know or comprehend its nature.
In the thick of things, keep all I've said to you in confidence as that. But I am thoroughly disappointed and disgruntled that one would throw the baby out with the bath water. Whatever vestige I had of respect was finally torn to shreds In a few sentences, a heartbeat,a few breaths. It takes a lifetime to build trust but only a whisper to destroy it. A wise woman builds her house!

However, I saw something.Never have I seen a persn so sad, so insecure, so tormented by life and hanging On to whatever vestige of hope that they have. Pity. I am looking at a sad person. I suppose they have been like that for years. I've always wondered why there was no warmth inside. Just a person living on a day to day. No excitement, no spark, just automated.
Just a sad little girl desperate for rescuing. No one can rescue her. Just her Maker. A lifetime of misery projected onto others.

It's sad, pitiful.That surely cannot be life. To live a life where people tolerate you for the sake of the one closest to you....
Never have I seen any one person carry the weight of the world upon their shoulders in that way. A ticking time bomb ready for detonation..

Time to rest and feel the gentle breeze, enjoy life. It is beautiful after all 

The way I am

I wonder is it possible for any one person to feel this hopeless and this despondent. Right about now, I feel useless and incapacitated. I have been so battered and broken, that sometimes I wonder whether I'm coming or going.

This is definitely not what I signed up for. What good am I if I'm no good to myself? All that hurt and pain is welling up inside me and I'm feeling so crushed. I loved, but got rejected, my heart might very well have been torn out of my very chest. I was certain I'd be ok, but I'm still here! The pain keeps reverberating within me. I have put in my all, applied myself, but still it's not good enough. I feel I've now lost myself, trying to be what they want me to be. Constant bashing and gossiping, fault finding and negative comments.

I need to find myself now. I need to be me. I need that pain to go away. I need to live again, to feel again, to love again, to laugh again. I need it for me. I look to my Savior and Lord to see me through this. He has been faithful. When I think about Him and what He's doing for me, my mind is at ease. He's my only place of healing. I need that for me.

Can someone compel me to forget. I'm tired of fighting  this battle. I loved you, but you destroyed me. I trusted you, but you put a knife in my back. Sometimes it's hard to believe that you would do this to me. You of all people! I am so sad, and I feel I'll always be sad about what you did.

I am also done here. You thought you could control me, but I am removing all the shackles. You thought you could bring me down, but you are wrong. Watch me walk away  from your manipulation. And as I turn back and see the tears in your eyes, and the sadness for seeing me leave, I will smile and be satisfied that I am doing the right thing. I am finally free!

I'm done here!

Prayer

When we pray, we do not pray to change God's mind, but to change our own. We speak, and begin to believe what we speak, that's why the Word instructs us to pray without ceasing, in and out of season. The more you speak what you want to see, the more you believe it and internalize it. God already knows that it is done, but we need to measure up our faith to the level where we can receive what God has already said is yours! Amazing! So we don't pray to God so He hears our prayers, He already knows what we need before we ask it of Him. We pray to affirm our faith in Him and align ourselves with the Word that He has spoken over our lives!

Prayer is such a powerful tool, because not only are you affirmaing yourself, you are also allowing the Spirit of the Lord to change you and align you with your blessings. Prayer defeats the enemy because it is not just words, it is dunamis power when coupled with God's Word. That is why we need to know the Word of God and pray it. God indeed has created a way for us. In His sovereign wisdom and mercy, He has made sure we could find escape and rest through prayer. Mwari makatendeka, and I worship You oh God! Your loving kindness endures forever. Glory in the heavens and in all the earth for all the wonderful things that You have done in our lives! Hellelujah! The highest praise belongs to you. You cause the seas to part, the rains to fall, the mountains to be levelled, the trees to grow and the flowers to bloom. Great is Your name in all the earth!

Love, above all

I give you a new commandment: that you should love one another. Just as I have loved you, so you too should love one another.
 By this shall all [men] know that you are My disciples, if you love one another [if you keep on showing love among yourselves]. John 13:34

This, I believe, is one of the greatest commandments given to us by our Lord Jesus Christ, yet it's also the hardest. How can you love someone who is not loveable? How can you love someone who constantly pushes you away? How can you love someone who doesn't love you back? I sometimes wonder why God sets such a high precedence for His children, especially knowing that we're just but human beings who have feelings and emotions, that HE HIMSELF gave us! So this is one of the times when I think, God doesn't make sense!

But then each time I ask how I can love when its not warranted, I go back to the cross. Jesus did not have to go to the cross. He could have bailed out and left us to our own devices. How I know that it was no easy feat, is when He prayed in the garden of Gathsemane and asked God to take away this cup of suffering. Infact, the Word says his sweat became drops of blood as He prayed fervently. That must have been some fervency! For one's sweat to become drops of blood! Such agony! Yet the Word also says, The fervent effectual prayer of a righteous man availeth much! At that point I believe He could have gotten up and walked away from this. He had that choice in the garden. I believe that's partly why He prayed and remained in prayer. I believe that's why we ought to pray over decisions before we make them. Prayer brings clarity and insight.
At this point, I'm sure  His conversation with the Father went something like this:

Jesus: Father, I can't do this. It's too difficult a burden to carry.
 Father: I now my Son. But remember, it's a matter of life and death.
Jesus: I understand that Father, but whose life, whose death?! I have lived a pure and faultless life before You. Why must  I suffer for the rest of them. If anything, they should bear their own crosses. This has nothing to do with me!
Father: Jesus I see your agony, and your pain, but these people are helpless. They need you! You're the only one who can save them. The power in blood can destroy the power of the enemy that's in operation in their lives.
Jesus: Oh, how I wish everyone could live blameless and pure before You!
Father: And they can! Through your sinless life, their lives can be made pure. Through your humility, they can be exalted into heavenly places.
Jesus: Father please tell me why? Why would You go to great lengths for such a people? Am I not Your Son? Have I not been with You from the beginning of time? You know me, I love you! But this! This is more than I can bear!
Father (smiling): Its all for love my Son. Remember that we founded the heavens and the earth, and all that is in orbit on this precept. Love is the greatest! However, Jesus, you have a choice. Are you going  to love them enough into sharing eternity with Us? Or are you going to leave them to thier own devices and watch from heaven while they perish?
Jesus: Father, You have put me in a difficult spot. I love these people as much as You do. In fact, the thought of them perishing is unfathomable! I have a choice to make I know. Either way, I know you will love me and accept me into Your Kingdom. But how can I leave these behind! (weeping) Oh Father, if it were possible for You to take away this cup of suffering from me. Is there no other way?
Father: Take a moment my son and see this race. You are right, whatever choice you make you will still be My Son and I will love you no matter what!
Jesus: Oh Father! Even if I leave them behind, You'll still love me?
Father: Yes! You are my only begotten Son and nothing can separate Us. No matter what you decide, or do you are assured of My love.
Jesus: (drops of blood coming from his brow) If You, the Creator and Omnipotent God can love me so, who am I to say no to them. I love them too no matter what they do. The decision has been made. It's not going to be easy I know, but I will do it..for love alone.
Father: (smiling with tears in His eyes) And I am with you all the way. Whenever it gets hard, remember that I am with you, and that it's all for love. Love covers a multitude of sin Jesus and I'm glad you have understood that concept.
Jesus: Will they understand though? I can't imagine going through all this for them to continue in thier sinful ways.
Father: Well, love is not always reciprocal. You just have to extend your love to them and leave the decision to them on whether they'll take it or not. I gave you a choice, so also you must do the same for them. Forced love does not fulfill. If anything, it breeds rebellion!
Jesus: You are right. I will extend my love to them, and it's up to them whether or not they take it. But it is my desire that they receive it. I am agonizing over them. My heart beats for them.
Father: Be strong and courageous. I am with you.You are my Son in whom I am well pleased, and I love you so!

Tall order right there if you ask me. That question again. How can you love someone who doesn't see your sacrifice and love you back? It sucks! And I bet that's how Jesus felt, but it's not about what I can get out of it. It's about doing it for love alone. If Jesus had made the choice not to go through with it, heaven help us all, we'd have been doomed.
The amazing thing about love though is that even if the person you're giving love to does not realize this at the time, eventually, they will come to the realization of this love. The word says that He loved us even while we were yet sinners. He knew us and loved us before we loved Him. So don't love and expect it to come back to you. Rather love and expect it to change the person's life for the better.
1 Corinthians 13 teaches of all the virtues and qualities of love, and 1 John teaches on how to love one another. Its not about me, but its for love alone.

Now Lord, I pray that You might teach me how to love, even those who are difficult to love. It is those people that you seek out. My assignment is to spread that love freely just as you did all those years ago.....for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. (Romans 5:5). In all that I do, give me peace and strength, that I do it as unto You. I admit it isn't easy, but You desire my willingness, not my ability. You will work through me to accomplish this. For I have this treasure in this earthen vessel, that the excellency of the power may be Yours and not mine. Your will my Father. Just as Jesus agonized in the garden, here I am agonizing with you. It's no easy feat. I need your strength. And I know You hear my prayer. Teach me now o God. In Jesus mighty name, the name that is given in the earth and all of heaven, that at this name every knee will bow, and every tongue confess the Kingship and Lordship of Jesus Christ. AMEN